Its been 2 weeks i guess since i got my result. The result that make felt like in the bottom of the well. I never felt that bad... never had i feel so helpless on my future. I never thought that i would fail...

Human are always afraid of the unknown and the future is my nightmare for now. I can't see my future from where i am standing but i know i have to move forward even though it means that i will have to tumble over and over until i see the light at the end of the darkness. Still i get the shivers just by thinking what should i do next... what should i do when i reach Jakarta.

Terrorist, pickpockets and hooligans don't scare me... but feeling helpless does. I remember that i have a relative who is unable to do much in his life. I am not sure if he gambles, smoke or drink but his life is sort of moving forward one day at a time. I don't gamble smoke or drink which i am proud of but even though i don't have the common pitfalls of adult, i am still worried if i can live through my life without depending on my brothers.

There is so much things that i want to buy. My childhood has always been filled with things that i wish i have but was unable to touch it. I dare not blame it on my family condition. I prefer to blame it on myself as i am really lazy. I do not know what is wrong with me. I do not know what i should do now. I feel that I am a stranger at times. One side of me wants to work but the other side of me wants to just laze around. I can write or speak of all the worries that i have but when its time to do it... i would fail to do what i should do.

Sometimes i feel like dying... for a few second. My most fundamental fear always destroy that feeling very quickly. My fear of uncertainty... which in this case helps me. At least i won't die like a coward. I will live on even though it means that i have to struggle everyday.

My stomach felt better at around 4 p.m. and i received a sms from my Japanese Cultural Group friend saying that there is a meeting tomorrow at 1 p.m. till 2 p.m. At that moment I was kind of in a state of confusion. Brother Teddy's company is going to send out his letter soon and i won't be able to send it tomorrow and so i decide to rush to his office at Suntec by taking the MRT(I am a bus lover... hehe) and walk as fast as i can. When i reached there, the same receptionist was there and he asked me - "Are you looking for Teddy?". I was kind of shocked by that since he was suppose to be at Qatar. His colleague told me that he was here and was teeing off with some customer. Anyway she said that i looked like Teddy so i guess this is the same person we had in mind. She tried to contact my bro but she couldn't get through. So i just told her to tell my bro that i will be back home. To be honest, my house is quite a mess since i was having stomach ache yesterday. So i ran all the way back to the mrt to clean up the mess and thank goodness it didn't take too long to clean up the war torn house.

As i got back to my room, the lights refused to stay still and it began to blink like its trying to send morse code to my neighbour. I went down to buy a new bulb but after fixing a new one, it refused to light up at all. It is so weird since before i bought it, the new bulb was tested first and it was working perfectly. Oh well i will go down tomorrow morning to get it replaced or something. A few minutes later my bro, Tony called. It's kinda weird getting call from them since they sometimes don't call me for 2 months or more. Anyway he called me to tell me that all his email sent to me got bounced back and the whole problem was because he typed .net.sg as .net.se. Oh well with that taken care of, i congratulated him on his newborn child, Philbert. I really have no idea why he choose that name. It kinda remind me of the comic - Dilbert. Phil, the prince of heck + Dilbert = Philbert? Haha! Oh well he also told me that bro Teddy was here since 10th of October. More question mark start to appear in my head... what??? He also told me that he is now stuck at the hotel that his company has provided. Kind of weird but oh well his colleague news did a great job of cleaning up the house. I just wrote an email to bro Teddy for some explanation since his mail is still with me. It would be disastrous to send out his mail to Qatar when he can actually get it in Singapore.

Oh well thats all for today.

I haven't felt this terrible before and its getting unbearable. Ever since drinking that Marigold Orange juice that i bought from Fairprice supermarket two days ago, i started to have a very bad stomachache and it just keeps on getting worse today. I guess i have visited the toilet for the fifth time this morning and I really wonder when it will stop. I was planning on going to Suntec today to send out my brother's letter but i really doubt if i can take on the journey. I hope this feeling would subside soon...

Yesterday, I went out to Centerpoint to get an interview for Fish & Company. The place looks nice but there isn't much employee there. There is only one waitress, one cashier(Assistant Manager) and one bartender to tend to 10 tables or more. Although it was past lunch hour, the place was eerily quiet. I was told to fill up some form by the assistant manager. He was pretty nice to explain to me the timing and how they process part timers but he disappeared into the kitchen every now and then. I thought that the interview will be conducted right after i fill up the form but i was pretty disapointed that it will take a few days before they can conduct an interview for me. Feeling that i will not get the job, i decide to walk around and found some fast food that is recruiting part time. One of them is Mos Burger but they only accept Singaporeans and PR saying that its the company policy. When i get back home, i got into a slight fever as if the stomachache wasn't enough but i felt better after taking a bath and some sleep.

Brother Ferry called me to talk to me for awhile and what he told me was pretty useful. It is very different from talking to friends. Rather than talking about games, music, movies and anime, I was taught a little bit on how to be succesful in life. This reminds me of the man whom i saw when i was walking from centerpoint to the bus stop. He appeared in Newpaper (Singapore's newspaper) before and they did an interview on him. Not a glorious one though as he is a beggar in his early 20's. A man who has no disability and health problems. Wearing trendy shirt and Nike shoes sitting on underground passageway living off his parents money and money that is thrown off tourist. I told myself that i don't want to be like him... doing things that he is doing now but i don't know. The course i am heading seems to be similar to his.